NLP and Relationships Part Three

Rintu BasuCase Study2 Comments

In the third part of our mini series provoked by Rina’s email we will take a break from analysing her language patterns and look at the questions she asked.

NLP Techniques for Relationships

You can see Rina’s full email in part one of the blog on NLP and Relationships. You can also find some of the brilliant language patterns she has been using and the discussion on how to adapt them in the blog on Persuasion Techniques in Relationships.

In this post we will talk about Pattern Interrupts, Rapport and Installing States. This is prompted from some of Rina’s questions, so here they are in full:

  1. Pattern Interrupt on page 30 – I am not sure I am clear on how to actually interrupt patterns. The example you gave was fantastic and I would like to read more examples and understand better how to actually do the pattern interrupt. How for god’s sake do you think up a thing such as kitties?! Can you provide more specific guidelines and training for beginner persuaders?
  2. Rapport – how do you restore rapport. Most of the things you teach especially installing state, require rapport and anyway you cannot persuade or influence anybody without rapport. How to go about lost rapport? For example relationship that has been struggling for some time, being on bad terms, arguing & fighting most of the time leads to loss of trust rapport, both partners usually get defensive and into fight and flight mode. How to get back into rapport?
  3. How to install state in yourself?

NLP Techniques – Pattern Interrupt

For those of you that have not yet read The Persuasion Skills Black Book on page 30 I tell a story of how I was being threatened by three men in a pub and by using a pattern interrupt I managed to get them within a few minutes to start playing with imaginary kittens.

Pattern Interrupts are just what they say on the tin.  People are, for the most part in a trance all the time where they are playing out the most probable sequence of events. For example if you make eye contact with someone and smile at them they are predisposed to smile back because that is what is normally expected. By doing something unexpected you interrupt the pattern and cause confusion. Someone that is skilled in hypnotic persuasion can use this to great effect. Richard Bandler uses a hand shake interrupt to put people in trance and is, as you would expect, exceptionally skilful.

If you are going to use this approach then the three real answers are to practice, practice and just do it. I spent many hours on Paddington Station a few years ago learning to interrupt patterns. I would walk up to people introducing myself, putting my left hand out for them to shake whilst telling them that their elbows taste of ice cream. After lots of strange looks and people running away from me I eventually started to get results.

The first time it happened the guy just froze in place with a glazed look. I don’t know who was in the deepest trance because I was shocked that it had finally worked. I quickly side stepped and walked off. As far as I know the guy might still be there. Anyway after this I started having better results and probably got my strike rate up to about 40%. When they went into this trance state I would give them a few suggestions about having a great day and feeling good about themselves and then getting them to walk on smiling. The point I am making though is that this is not an exact science, you will miss more than you hit and often it is a method of last resort.

I have heard of an NLPer who was about to be mugged. When the three guys asked for his wallet the NLPer deliberately mistook their intentions and treated them as if they had just found his wallet.

In an attempt to clear the confusion the muggers eventually started to try and help find a “lost” wallet. Whilst they were looking the NLPer thanked them for their efforts and left. I heard this story third hand so don’t know if it is actually true, but certainly in my world I think it should be. So if you are or you know the person who this happened to please let me know.

Pattern Interrupts for Poker Players

In the book I explain a safer way of using pattern interrupts and that is to install the pattern in the first place. I use this a lot when playing poker. Early in the game I will try to establish a habitual way of playing. For example always entering a pot with a raise.

If the other players are observant (and poker players always are) they will notice this and try to use this against me. The first few times I do this they will assume I have a good hand (I rarely do). The next few times they will assume I just always do it…that is when I start to only do it with good  hands.

Eventually I will have a really strong hand and I will do something completely different expecting the other players will make mistakes though their confusion. In fact if I see enough confusion I will give them direct commands embedded in negatives for what I want them to do. Here is an example:

“You really don’t want to call that bet do you!” Please note the exclamation mark is deliberate.

Obviously this is a gross over simplification and I wouldn’t want to give away to much of how I play poker as I know several players read my blog but this should give you an idea of how you can set up a habit and then break the pattern.

Collapsing Negative Anchors in Relationships

Rina’s second question was about the break up of rapport in a relationship. Assuming that the two people have not violated each other’s values in some way the usual reason this happens is negative anchors. This is easy to fix but requires the active participation of both parties.

The technique is just to create a very powerful anchor for yourself about why you got involved with that person in the first place. Access all the feelings of love, excitement and respect that you had for that person and anchor it on them. Then collapse all the negative anchors by firing off the reenergised, new resource anchor when you fill the negative anchor. If you both do this as a little mini project together you will re-establish your relationship on better lines.

Rather than take you through the steps of anchoring in detail Have a look at Colin Smith’s NLP Tool Box. When you buy it you will find Colin gives you loads of great ideas, tools and techniques for many different applications including anchoring.

Installing States with NLP

Rina’s final question was about installing state into yourself. One quick answer would be using an anchoring technique such as circles of excellence. Again this sort of thing is written up extensively on the internet so I am not going to go into detail here. If you want lots of great ways of installing states then something like Colin’s Smith’s NLP Tool Box would be a great place to start.

2 Comments on “NLP and Relationships Part Three”

  1. Rintu Basu

    Thanks for saying. I have several mentors both in and outside of the NLP community but at this stage it would not be right to mention them by name. So sorry this is one question I am not going to answer just yet.


  2. NLP Zine

    What a facinating article. I’m looking for a NLP expert to help with a project, who’s your mentor?

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