I have been sent a great email from Rina which is going to allow us to discuss a lot of different aspects of using these persuasive techniques in a relationship.
How much use are NLP Persuasion Skills in Relationships?
Below is her email in full. You will see how Rina has developed ideas from The Persuasion Skills Black Book in the specific context of dealing with her husband. She also asks a few questions which we shall follow up on in the next few posts.
Sent: 24 May 2009 21:34
I am almost finished with your wonderful black book. I really love the way you organized it, embedded your teachings in the texts and made it simple. You give out so much information I am having trouble keeping up with it. I’ve actually haven’t read your latest emails since I wanted to make progress with the book and start using all the amazing tools you teach in it. I absolutely LOVE perceptual position planning!!!! Your examples got me right into planning and I was able to understand things more clearly. I could see myself getting better results! I wasn’t used to focusing on my desired outcomes. No wonder I kept missing and felt frustrated with my conversations. I haven’t been a good persuader, could only guilt/shame people into seeing things my way. This way of communicating is a whole new model for me.
I have several questions and also I’ve worked on some scripts. My main issue I want to implement persuasion skills with is in my relationship with hubby. But will come back to it later. Here are my questions:
1. Pattern Interrupt on page 30 – I am not sure I am clear on how to actually interrupt patterns. The example you gave was fantastic and I would like to read more examples and understand better how to actually do the pattern interrupt. How for god’s sake do you think up a thing such as kitties?! Can you provide more specific guidelines and training for beginner persuaders?
2. Rapport – how do you restore rapport. Most of the things you teach especially installing state, require rapport and anyway you cannot persuade or influence anybody without rapport. How to go about lost rapport? For example relationship that has been struggling for some time, being on bad terms, arguing & fighting most of the time leads to loss of trust rapport, both partners usually get defensive and into fight and flight mode. How to get back into rapport?
3. How to install state in yourself?
Ok, these are my questions. Next, I would like to share with you few scripts I’ve developed for interacting with my husband. One of our big stressors is his demand for clean up, he comes home from work and gets angry if he sees a mess (or his perception of it). With the simple patterns in the beginning of the book I developed these scripts, the last script is supposed to use all the teachings and techniques and I would love to get some comments on it:
- The issue is not if the house is clean & neat, but if the people in it are happy.
- The issue is not if I agree with you, but weather we love and respect each other.
- I agree that there’s a mess and this is why I suggest we leave it until we finish playing.
- The issue isn’t just having a clean neat house when you come home from work, but enjoying our family and love the minute you step in. (not sure he’ll buy this one, I think he might start objecting)
- We didn’t clean up, but we ate, did homework, took bath and are eager to play with you, and how good are you going to feel to play clean up with us?
- I agree that you think you need a neat house to be able to relax and want to add that the real issue is how we can stay connected, playful and not upset each other. Right now I understand you are disappointed and angry because you worked hard all day and need to relax. Why don’t we play clean up after dinner and then read a book or play dominos?
- The issue is not if there’s a mess, but if you can relax, as you walk through the door seeing loving, happy faces, noticing our good moods and letting go of your tension, unhappiness, sadness, anger and frustration. As you get your welcome hugs you begin to relax and experience happy feelings. You start to realize how lucky your are and you begin to see yourself satisfied [rather then frustrated, unimportant & don’t matter]. You notice all the love and joy coming at you and become aware of your own love and gratitude [I would really like him to replace frustration with gratitude, it’s obvious how it would benefit him]. Imagine/think [he’s an engineer, think might be better or perhaps imagining is better, not sure] about how you would be enjoying your life. Do you realize how happy and powerful you are?
Here’s what you need to do….. [not sure I actually need to specify, since it’s embedded in experiencing happy, gratitude. Even if I do need to tell him what to do I don’t know what he should do. I really want him to change state, experience different feelings. How do I persuade/condition/hypnotize him to stop worrying, being angry and very particular about how he want things to be? Can I actually change the way he thinks?!]
Well, I’ve given you a lot of work, and you can of course share this with readers if you find it useful, I believe these issues could be useful to many people. I look forward to hearing your answers.
Next I will start working on my persuasion skills in parenting and with you scripts that I develop.
Again, I would like to thank you for your great book, program and emails. You are giving me more then I can chew, I hope I can catch up with all your materials soon and am very grateful for your teachings.
Rina has done a brilliant job of taking aspects from The Persuasion Skills Black Book and applying them to this specific issue that she has with her husband. Over the next few posts we will look at Rina’s questions as well as her scripts. Whilst she has done a great job there is lots of value in deconstructing her approach and adding even more powerful ideas in.
Win a Persuasion Video
Rina has done a great job at thinking these through and we will look at some of her scripts, what makes them work and what might make them work even better. For those of you that are interested in entering the persuasive techniques video competition this might give you a little more practice at analysing patterns. You have until the end of the month to get your entries in.