A recent email I received spurred me to write a little about dealing with subtle aggression. If you have a difficult person in your life that is never quite openly abusive but is constantly putting you down in small ways this article may help.

Subtle Aggression

People that you interact with frequently, like family members or co-workers, can easily use patronising words and phrases together that taken on an individual basis may not mean anything. But when you put all the instances together they form a subtly aggressive attack on you.

These sorts of attacks are notoriously difficult to deal with because if you get angry they will most likely respond with things like:

• “Your blowing it out of proportion.”
• “It’s only a joke.”
• “You are too sensitive”

It can be a difficult thing to deal with because that one act on its own doesn’t seem like a big thing and it only becomes so once you see it in the context of other conversations.

Here is the email that I was sent:

A Process to Tackle the Problem

Here is the process:

State Management

The first thing you need to do is keep hold of your emotions. They are doing this to get an emotional response, so let’s start by denying them that. Also by keeping hold of your emotions you are able to think and use your skills more effectively.

Here is one way I personally do this. I imagine myself as a stealthy crouching tiger just stalking my prey. I know if I keep calm and clear headed just waiting for the right moment the person that is doing the attacking is going to get seriously mauled and it will be me doing it.

I like this imagery because it gives me back the psychological edge that the person was seeking to deny me. I am now stalking my victim rather than reacting to whatever they said.

Pause

It may take you a moment to get a grip of your emotions and that is great. Just pause, ideally just look at the space between their eyebrows as you pause. By staring at this point it looks like you are making eye contact, but obviously you aren’t quite. This is good for you because not making eye contact means it doesn’t get any more intense for you. But for the person you are just about to deal with the situation is starting to ramp up.

Remember they are looking for an emotional reaction from you. What they have got is you holding their eye contact without giving them anything. If you can keep looking unemotionally at that space between the eyebrows until it feels really uncomfortable and then count slowly to ten before speaking. If you manage this, and it is easy with just a little practice, I will guarantee that the other person will start to speak again. It is almost impossible to keep that void in conversation.

Reflect the Offending Behaviour Back and Ask for an Explanation

Depending on how forceful you want to be either stop them from saying anything else or let them say whatever without responding and let them run out of steam. Then use the super redefine pattern to get to the heart of the matter. Here are a couple of examples of the whole phrase getting more extreme as we go:

I agree you want me to prove it and the issue isn’t my having to prove anything. It is about you explaining why you think I should have to justify anything to you at all. Explain to me what makes you think that is acceptable behaviour.

I agree that you need more information on how I form my opinions and the issue isn’t the information you need but how is it that you have so low self-esteem that you need to try to put me down constantly. Where did your low self-esteem come from?

I agree proof is useful and the issue isn’t about proving my point, it is about explaining why you constantly need to prove that you have no social skills. How have you managed to grow up without developing proper social skills?

Toning it Down a Bit

I agree that these examples might seem a bit extreme and the issue is not about the language and is everything about the pattern allowing you to deflect from they are talking about and point directly to the heart of the matter. And then by asking a question about that heart creates a totally different conversation that is focused on their behaviour.

And trust me this will make them squirm. Especially if you keep using the pattern as they try to get away from discussing their behaviour. My favourite way of doing this is to keep repeating the pattern but getting more extreme as I go just like the above example.

Remember I am not trying to be conciliatory here. And just because I am choosing to deal with this in an adversarial, almost confrontational manner doesn’t mean that you can’t turn this into something much more collaborative and reconciliatory for example:

I can see that proof is important to you and before we discuss that I would like you to be aware of the impact that your behaviour is having on me. Let’s discuss how you can talk to me without me feeling like I am being attacked.

You can find this and many more patterns in the international bestselling Persuasion Skills Black Book. But the key that really makes this work is the state management and emotional handling skills. The Persuasion Skills on Steroids Deconstructed course gives you emotion and state control techniques as well as a method of developing a persuasive personality that can handle stressful environments like when you are being bullied. Click Through and find out more here.

Many hypnotists and NLPers shotgun clever and fancy language patterns at people thinking that this will create a trance effect. Often it does but it doesn’t always create the result that you want. Using some really simple ideas you can make any document hypnotically compelling.

The example below is in the context of Job Hunting and using a CV or Resume. You will see as we go through the example that it is the thinking and the sequence that makes the document compelling. Some fancy language patterns may add to the effect but the patterns without the thinking is only of limited use.

Here is an email I received giving you an insight into what can be achieved with a CV.

Asking the Right Questions

Recently there has been a rash of jokey, bad CVs on the internet. Whilst they are quite funny you can also see that they have a cynical and frustrated mindset of what and how CV and Resumes are used. A quick Google search will find you a whole rash of misinformation about what these documents are and how they should be used. Asking yourself the right questions will yield you better results. Let me explain by way of demonstration.

What do I want my CV or Resume to do for me?

Normally people leap straight for questions like what should a CV / Resume look like, what should it contain and how do you write one? Another couple of supplementary questions that people usually ask is what is the difference between a CV and a Resume and which should I use?

I think a much more intelligent place to start is to look at what result you want from the CV or Resume. Obviously I would ideally like the document to get me the job, but that is not the normal process so I would settle for the document to get me an interview.

If you start from this approach all the other questions become more straightforward because all you are looking for is a layout and content that leads to getting the interview. All of a sudden I am no longer interested in the difference between the two, any technical definition of what they are or how people think they should lay them out. All I am interested in is does the layout and content support getting me an interview.

I spent three years researching every aspect of job hunting so I have extra information that many people would not have necessarily thought through about how you can use your CV or Resume. If we start from your aim for the document is to get an interview there are a couple of extra things you can use your CV for. You could use your CV or Resume to set up certain interview questions – or more specifically certain interview answers that reframe your interviewer’s beliefs, set aside their fears as well develop confidence in you as the ideal candidate. But for the moment let’s stick with some foundations.

The Anatomy of a Good CV or Resume

So now that we know what the document is for we should think about how it is laid out. Let us assume a worst case scenario. There is only one position available, there are over one hundred applicants and the recruiter has thirty minutes to draw up a list of five people to interview.

Given that case I suspect any interviewer will spend only a few seconds on each CV. In those few seconds the CV has to catch their attention and display something that will convince the recruiter to put you on the must interview pile.

A good CV or Resume should have a way of leading the eyes of the reader to a point that is filled with statements that match you with the company values and the job specification. Imagine what happens to recruiters when they see your CV and instantly see a section that matches you exactly to the job and the company. They would be almost compelled to look further.

There are many ways of laying out CV’s and Resumes but I would always use one that has a personal profile, mission or objective box that stands out on the front page. I would then fill it full of statements that match me exactly to the company and to the job specification.

Developing your professional experience

The most obvious thing for the recruiter to do would be to look further into the CV or Resume to see how you support the statements you made in your personal profile. Imagine what then happens to the recruiter when they are faced with a list of key achievements that directly link your experiences to what the company is trying to achieve.

I am amazed at how many CVs and Resumes end up as a list of jobs people have done and what the main duties were. When you think about the purpose of a CV or Resume does a list of jobs and duties fulfil that purpose?

Imagine now that you have reworked your CV or Resume to list key achievements you have had in your professional career. And imagine that you have linked those key achievements specifically to the job or the company that you are applying for.

The recruiter is going to go through a sequence that starts with them scanning standard CVs and Resumes. When they get to yours the recruiter will see a profile box stuffed with statements that link you directly to the job you are applying for. After stopping them dead in their tracks they next thing they will do is read deeper in to your CV where they will find a whole bunch of key achievements from your professional experience that link you directly to the job.

Depending on how well you do this the recruiter is almost compelled to call you in for an interview. And depending on how well you have set up your CV or Resume, you may well have set up the questions and answers you will give during interview. By making direct links between your CV / Resume to the role and to the company values during the interview will make you come over as even more compelling.

How easy is it to write a CV or Resume in this way?

This is not a normal way of thinking about Job Hunting. Just spend some time on Google and you will discover a whole load of well-meaning but low level information and misinformation about how to write good CVs and Resumes.

The reality is once you have uncovered the common misconceptions about job hunting and you have your head firmly wrapped around a sensible job hunting attitude a lot of the ideas will flow naturally. And I have a template for CV’s and Resumes where you just need to put in your qualifications and experiences and your new, hypnotically compelling CV / Resume is done.

I recommend that people spend as much time as it takes to get this right and then you spend time regularly keeping it up to date. This may seem like some effort but when you consider that it will get you your ideal job and when you are ready to move on it will be there as a platform to launch yourself from. If you want to find out more about how you can develop these ideas then click through and read more here

Why do you want the Job?

As an interviewer I often ask candidates the question why do you want this job? I ask that question because however it is answered it gives me a great deal of information about the candidate. Let’s go through the pit falls and then we can look at how this interview question is a golden opportunity for you to get the job.

Attitude Makes a Difference

Many people going into job interviews just begging for a job. They think the balance of power is with the employers. They have low self-esteem and think there are other people out there that can do the job as well if not better than they can. They have a mistaken belief that the interview is about them.

Look at this from the employer’s view. Imagine a candidate is walking in with an attitude based round things like “Please employ me…I’ll do my best…I’ll try my hardest…” Would you employ them? I wouldn’t.

Imagine how someone with this attitude is going to answer a question like “Why do you want this job?” Even if they are desperately trying to hide their attitude what sort of answers would they give? Have a think about it and compare your answers to those from a different mindset below.

What do employers want?

Now here is something people need to recognise. The “best” person for the job revolves around two things:

• Can you do the job i.e. skills, qualifications and experience
• Does your face fit i.e. do you hold the company values, do you have the right attitude, ambitions or more succinctly, will you do a good job.

The things is companies hire based on the first and they fire due to deficiencies on the second. Your job in the interview is not about demonstrating the first, it is demonstrating incontrovertibly that you fit the second.

How does this help?

I could tell you about a particular situation when I was researching job hunting techniques where I got offered a £60 000 (almost $100k) a year job after I told the recruiters that I had lied on my CV (never do this to get a job – I was researching job hunting techniques so I had to fake credentials to get to different types of interviews – lying on a CV can be classed as a criminal offence), that I didn’t have any of the qualifications or experience that they were looking for. But here is an email I received a while ago instead:

What is the Difference that Makes the Difference?

What Drew did in preparation for his interview was to look at what he would bring to the new role. He looked at what would make him the ideal candidate and how he could drive the role forward, what he would enjoy about the job and how the company would benefit from it.

He then looked through his professional life looking for examples of where he had demonstrated the exact qualities that made him the perfect candidate. Imagine how different Drew must have looked when he walked in to that interview.

I don’t know if he was asked that question but imagine he was. The sort of answer I think he would give would be something like, “I want the role because I am a great candidate, here are a couple of examples of how I have demonstrated the key qualities that you are looking for in the role and here are some specific results you can expect from me when I am working with you.”

How different does that look as an answer compared to someone that has a “Poor Me. Please give me a job because I’ll try my best,” attitude?

And if you have a system for doing this you can generate these answers like Drew did, in a couple of hours the night before the interview.

As a recruiter I was desperate to just hear someone say, “I want the job because I would be great at it and here is my evidence to say so. If you employ me I will make you money / save you money / save you time and effort. Here is specifically how I would do that. I will enjoy doing it and that is why I want the job.” It didn’t happen often enough and in almost every case where it did they got the job.

But what if it is just a job to me?

Imagine if you were confident enough and with enough tools and techniques to get any job you wanted. Would you have a different attitude to job hunting? My guess would be that you would go for jobs that you would enjoy or jobs that gave you the experience that you need to further your career or has some personal meaning to you. And then you would simply move on when your criteria had been met.

To me this makes more sense than doing a job that does not fulfil any of your needs. Think about this, most people spend at least forty hours a week at work and many people spend a lot more, especially if they have to commute. Once you have finished with sleeping and chores this is longer than you spend with friends and family, hobbies and interests or doing the things that bring meaning to your life.

I think you owe it to yourself, your loved ones and any employers you choose to work with that you only apply and do the work that has some sort of personal meaning to you. If you want to know exactly how to do that then have a look at the NLP CV Writing and Interview Skills Course.

Influence

Ciadini’s book Influence is required reading for anyone in the persuasion field. And whether you have read the book (you really should) here is a video that very neatly summarises most of the key points brilliantly.

Using Cialdini’s Principles Linguistically

Having watched the video means you are committed to developing your persuasion skills. You will get a great result if you to explore some of these ideas through some examples and I can help with a few of those.

As a bestselling author on Persuasion Skills many people suggest that I am good at demonstrating persuasion concepts like Cialdini’s ideas. For example here is what Kevin has to say about my courses:

But the reality is I am only as good as the results you get from my teachings and in that we are similar. I want you get the best result possible for you. It has been shown that motivation drops off dramatically if you don’t put the principles in place as soon as you have the information. So do us both the favour of reading this little section again looking for how I have applied Cialdini’s Principles throughout.

 Teaching Through Principles and Demonstration

If you like the idea of learning persuasion principles on multiple levels in the way this article demonstrates then you may want to find out more about the Persuasion Skills on Steroids Deconstructed Course. Click through and find out more here.

Pick an NLP Model of Excellence

One of the things I am often asked is how do I manage to train people to be so masterful with their hypnotic language. The truth is I have been practising various aspects of accelerated learning and altered states of consciousness for almost 35 years. I have been training people in a multitude of subjects for over 20 years. So I have developed some in depth skills around how to train people in these skills.

Notice How Your Model Uses the Skill You Want to Develop

I am known for using language patterns to train language patterns. I do this for several reasons that include:

• Walking my Talk
• Demonstrating the Power of the Patterns
• Giving You a Sense of Familiarity with Them
• Engaging Your Observational Powers and Your Critical Thinking
• And very obviously if these skills work surely I should use them to teach them

In my years of training these patterns I noticed an interesting thing starting to happen. As my reputation grew and people started coming to see my talks and presentations specifically to see how I used hypnotic language their own skills grew. This was often very quick and without much preparation or learning.

Imagine Looking Through the Eyes of Your Model Using the Skills

As I started noticing the results that my audience were getting I realised several things. They came with the expectation of watching for my use of language patterns. That meant they were watching the presentation on at least five different levels. The first was the obvious content of the talk. The second was about spotting the patterns I was using. The third is critically looking at the order and sequence that I use and the impact that it has. The fifth is about looking at applications and how they would use the same patterns but in their personal context. And there are several more than that.

Imagine Using the Skill in Typical Contexts that You Find Yourself In

Consider what happens when you try to think through things on several different levels simultaneously. This is a quite specific and really useful altered state of consciousness. So long as you are engaged with the process you are taking things in both consciously and unconsciously.

Imagine what happens if you go through the material several times isolating each one of those level to look at through each pass. What you will rapidly discover is that you will still be taken things in on the other levels unconsciously. This works especially well if the audience are preframed to do it i.e. you explain multiple levels, what to look for and the implications of doing it in this manner.

When I add statements or ask questions that get you to consider how you will use the same tools and techniques you are then honing your skills down to the only place where it really matters…your own life and imagining how you are using them.

By the way have you considered rereading the previous sections just to check out the process that I am leading you through. I designed it to covertly teach three different persuasion processes and one sort of language pattern. Feel free to leave a comment below about the things that you have spotted in this article.

Only Perfect Practice Makes Perfect

Just sitting down, reading this article, imagining using all the tools, techniques and ideas will get you a surprisingly long way. But the only way to dramatically progress is to practice and use the material. This is where some people fall down. There are several things worth noting about practice.

• The objective of practice is to practice there are no other outcomes.
• You should only practice when the outcome is only to practice
• If you are looking for any other outcome other than practice then you are not practicing.

The reason I am over stating this point is that I get many emails from people saying something like,

“I am just about to go into a meeting for a $10 million deal and if I don’t win it my company will stab me through the heart. What language patterns should I use?”

My answer is,

“None. Just focus on the conversation.”

When the stakes are high, you are tense and the outcome is important to you that is not a time to practice. My intention is to over practice when it doesn’t matter so that when you need the skills you use them automatically.

Here is a simple seven step process for completely integrating a new language pattern:

1. Watch, read, understand how it works.
2. Imagine situations where you could use it
3. Develop the actual phrases you would use
4. Say them out loud to yourself, if you have a study buddy get them to feed you lines
5. Develop several “outs” if you are challenged by people in a conversation
6. Go and have conversations with the specific intention to use your new pattern as many times as possible using one of your “outs” if challenged
7. Start to notice how much the pattern then starts to appear in your normal conversation without you consciously driving it

Starting conversations with the deliberate intention of repeatedly using the pattern has several great practice outcomes. Firstly it obviously means you will use the pattern. But better than that, it means that you have to listen to the conversation for opportunities to use the pattern. And even better than that, it means that you have to shift the conversation around until you can fit the pattern in again and again. This means you will learn a huge amount about that pattern and how it fits into conversations.

I should explain what I mean by “outs”. I encourage people to have something ready to say if they are challenged in the middle of a conversation. It rarely happens but having some stock phrases tend to make people more conformable having pattern conversations. Here are some of the “outs” I have used:

Why are you speaking funny / odd / strange?

I’m not. You are just listening funny / odd / strange

Are you using hypnotic language patterns on me?

Only because you are using them on me

Are you trying to manipulate me?

That’s a really manipulative things to say. You quite clearly have an agenda, what do you want me to say in response?

Why can’t we ever have a normal conversation?

I consider you special and unique so I put my full attention on making every conversation we have memorable.

But if you are after a catch-for-all “out” pattern just admit that you are practising a specific communication technique and ask them how you are doing. They will start to tell you and then you can continue using the pattern.

Remember if you are doing this properly, there are no outcomes other than to practice. Most of these practice conversations dissolve into fits of hopeless giggles or the other person using the same patterns back on you or other forms of general lunacy and fun.

Persuasion Skills on Steroids Deconstructed

If you like this approach to learning hypnotic persuasion skills then this course is one that you should have a look at. It is three hours of video content where I deliver a hypnotic language pattern course to a face to face audience. The content is really good and if you just watched the video you will get a lot of tools and techniques that you can use.

But what turns this from a good course into a great course is the pdf written report that comes with it. In it there is a full transcription so you can analysis the patterns that I am covertly using on the audience as well as the techniques that I am overtly showing them.

But what makes it even better than that is the fact that I have made notes throughout the transcript. You get the opportunity to see the course through my eyes. You will see my view on the patterns I used, why I chose them and what impact they had. And you will get my perspective on how you can use the same things in different contexts.

In short you get to see the material as a participant, through my eyes and from a neutral third person perspective. The feedback I am getting from people going through the course is that it is an extremely powerful and dramatic way to develop your hypnotic persuasion ability. Click through and find out more here: