Using NLP Language Patterns in a Relationship

In part one of this mini series we saw Rina’s email about the scripts she has thought through to use on her husband. In this post we will look at some of those scripts to see how well they work.

All of the short language pattern bits Rina has written work really well, so we are going to look at some of the longer scripts she has worked out and see what we can do with them.

Rapport, Pacing and Leading with Language

Here is one of Rina’s patterns:

We didn’t clean up, but we ate, did homework, took bath and are eager to play with you, and how good are you going to feel to play clean up with us?

Notice how she states the problem then uses a “but” to delete it and look at the good and follows up with a question that leads to thinking about the future and feeling good about it. This is excellent work.

Now here is how you can make it work even better. We could pace the situation more strongly at the beginning. This would make leading him easier. Here is how I would do it:

You are home, you are upset and we haven’t cleaned up…but we have eaten, done our homework, taken a bath and are now eager to play with you…

One the Persuasion Skills Black Book Master Training Programme you will learn how to use three pacing and leading statements and deletion statements to move the conversation to where you want it to go.

We also know that the husband wants to relax when he comes home, so we can use that as a driver to help the flow of the conversation. Here is how it would look:

You are home, upset and we haven’t cleaned up…but we have eaten, done the homework taken a bath and are now eager to help you relax and play together…

NLP Questions to Set Direction

Rina asked a great question at the end of the statement to set a train of thought and it works well. An alternative might be to ask a comparison question that is also a double bind.

For those of you that are not NLP Jargon Junkies a double bind is just a question with an either or option that both lead to where you want the person to go. An example would be do you want to buy a white or a black one? This questions leaves out the possibility of any other colour or not buying at all.

In Rina’s context the question I might ask would be:

Would you relax more by having a wash before or just by coming and playing with us now?

This question presupposes that he will relax and it also excludes the option of not playing.

So to finish here are Rina’s original statement and a new version based on our discussions above so you can compare them:

 We didn’t clean up, but we ate, did homework, took bath and are eager to play with you, and how good are you going to feel to play clean up with us?

You are home, upset and we haven’t cleaned up…but we have eaten, done the homework taken a bath and are now eager to help you relax and play together… Would you relax more by having a wash before or just by coming and playing with us now?

On the Persuasion Skills Black Book Master Training Programme you will not only learn how to create great patterns like Rina’s but also how to analyse them and continually improve how you are developing your persuasive techniques.

How much use are NLP Persuasion Skills in Relationships?

I have been sent a great email from Rina which is going to allow us to discuss a lot of different aspects of using these persuasive techniques in a relationship.

Below is her email in full. You will see how Rina has developed ideas from The Persuasion Skills Black Book in the specific context of dealing with her husband. She also asks a few questions which we shall follow up on in the next few posts.

From: Rina
Sent: 24 May 2009 21:34

Hello Rintu,

I am almost finished with your wonderful black book. I really love the way you organized it, embedded your teachings in the texts and made it simple. You give out so much information I am having trouble keeping up with it. I’ve actually haven’t read your latest emails since I wanted to make progress with the book and start using all the amazing tools you teach in it. I absolutely LOVE perceptual position planning!!!! Your examples got me right into planning and I was able to understand things more clearly. I could see myself getting better results! I wasn’t used to focusing on my desired outcomes. No wonder I kept missing and felt frustrated with my conversations. I haven’t been a good persuader, could only guilt/shame people into seeing things my way. This way of communicating is a whole new model for me.

I have several questions and also I’ve worked on some scripts. My main issue I want to implement persuasion skills with is in my relationship with hubby. But will come back to it later. Here are my questions:

1. Pattern Interrupt on page 30 - I am not sure I am clear on how to actually interrupt patterns. The example you gave was fantastic and I would like to read more examples and understand better how to actually do the pattern interrupt. How for god’s sake do you think up a thing such as kitties?! Can you provide more specific guidelines and training for beginner persuaders?
2. Rapport - how do you restore rapport. Most of the things you teach especially installing state, require rapport and anyway you cannot persuade or influence anybody without rapport. How to go about lost rapport? For example relationship that has been struggling for some time, being on bad terms, arguing & fighting most of the time leads to loss of trust rapport, both partners usually get defensive and into fight and flight mode. How to get back into rapport?
3. How to install state in yourself?

Ok, these are my questions. Next, I would like to share with you few scripts I’ve developed for interacting with my husband. One of our big stressors is his demand for clean up, he comes home from work and gets angry if he sees a mess (or his perception of it). With the simple patterns in the beginning of the book I developed these scripts, the last script is supposed to use all the teachings and techniques and I would love to get some comments on it:

• The issue is not if the house is clean & neat, but if the people in it are happy.
• The issue is not if I agree with you, but weather we love and respect each other.
• I agree that there’s a mess and this is why I suggest we leave it until we finish playing.
• The issue isn’t just having a clean neat house when you come home from work, but enjoying our family and love the minute you step in. (not sure he’ll buy this one, I think he might start objecting)
• We didn’t clean up, but we ate, did homework, took bath and are eager to play with you, and how good are you going to feel to play clean up with us?
• I agree that you think you need a neat house to be able to relax and want to add that the real issue is how we can stay connected, playful and not upset each other. Right now I understand you are disappointed and angry because you worked hard all day and need to relax. Why don’t we play clean up after dinner and then read a book or play dominos?
• The issue is not if there’s a mess, but if you can relax, as you walk through the door seeing loving, happy faces, noticing our good moods and letting go of your tension, unhappiness, sadness, anger and frustration. As you get your welcome hugs you begin to relax and experience happy feelings. You start to realize how lucky your are and you begin to see yourself satisfied [rather then frustrated, unimportant & don’t matter]. You notice all the love and joy coming at you and become aware of your own love and gratitude [I would really like him to replace frustration with gratitude, it’s obvious how it would benefit him]. Imagine/think [he’s an engineer, think might be better or perhaps imagining is better, not sure] about how you would be enjoying your life. Do you realize how happy and powerful you are?

Here’s what you need to do….. [not sure I actually need to specify, since it’s embedded in experiencing happy, gratitude. Even if I do need to tell him what to do I don’t know what he should do. I really want him to change state, experience different feelings. How do I persuade/condition/hypnotize him to stop worrying, being angry and very particular about how he want things to be? Can I actually change the way he thinks?!]

Well, I’ve given you a lot of work, and you can of course share this with readers if you find it useful, I believe these issues could be useful to many people. I look forward to hearing your answers.

Next I will start working on my persuasion skills in parenting and with you scripts that I develop.

Again, I would like to thank you for your great book, program and emails. You are giving me more then I can chew, I hope I can catch up with all your materials soon and am very grateful for your teachings.

Regards,

Rina

Rina has done a brilliant job of taking aspects from The Persuasion Skills Black Book and applying them to this specific issue that she has with her husband. Over the next few posts we will look at Rina’s questions as well as her scripts. Whilst she has done a great job there is lots of vlaue in deconstructing her approach and adding even more powerful ideas in.

Win a Persuasion Video

Rina has done a great job at thinking these through and we will look at some of her scripts, what makes them work and what might make them work even better. For those of you that are interested in entering the persuasive techniques video competition this might give you a little more practice at analysing patterns. You have until the end of the month to get your entries in.

NLP Persuasive Techniques to Access Feelings

Using the pictures people make in their heads to access their feelings is the overall theme for this piece of the video. There are some interesting distinctions that make charisma patterns work for those of you that have got to that part of the course.

I am still competing with that bird, the children and aeroplanes so the sound quality is still a little distracting. Luckily the desk mic. was closer to us and that has a much better sound quality. You still have an opportunity to get a copy of the full ninety minute video and the audio only version by entering the persuasion skills competition.

Here is the link to this segment of the Black Book Persuasion Skills Video.

Business NLP, Academics and Persuasion Techniques

Here are a couple of articles I’ve found in the Times newspaper about how NLP is used in business. The first is the usual journalistic pap but does talk about how some companies like Vodaphone and Honda are applying some NLP

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/management/article6054123.ece

The second has a lot more substance and is a mini case study on First Direct and how they have been modelling sales performance.

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/management/article6054126.ece

There are a whole host of ways of using NLP Persuasion Skills in Business from the Persuasion Skills Master Training Programme.

Results from using Persuasion Techniques in Sales

A couple of weeks ago Tim emailed me with some challenges he was having with cold call sales. This gave us the opportunity to discuss various persuasive techniques and ideas for a very specific application.

Here are the links to some of the previous posts:

• The original email about Persuasion Techniques and Cold Calling.
• Getting into the right state to use your persuasion skills
• Why building rapport is not always a good thing
• NLP Questioning Technique
• More Persuasion Techniques using Questions
• Using Values as a Persuasion Skill

It seems through Tim’s persistence and willingness to try out new ideas he is creating some good results.

Here is his email in full:

Received: Friday 15th May 12:11
From: Tim

Hi Rintu,

Thanks for keeping in touch.

Last night I had a very enjoyable appraisal meeting with a vendor who is considering selling their home. Before I walked in I made a commitment to myself that once I had built a little rapport, I wasn’t going to offer any suggestions until I had all the information or until they asked a question. And if I had to offer a suggestion I’d end it with a question.

My approach was simple:

1) build some rapport
2) dictate where we’d talk by saying “would it be alright to put my folder here”
3) begin asking questions. My first question was “how can I help?”
4) when they offered the first bit of relevant information, open the folder, take out my pad, and ask “would it be alright if I jotted down the important information so that umm……….”. They said “sure, go right ahead”.

And I was away. It was great. I was in control right through. At the end of the diagnosis, I summarized what they told me, and together we worked out three realistic priorities.

So we’re seeing some progress. Thanks Rintu.

Regards

Tim.

Conversational Hypnosis and taking conversation management

Right the way through the beginning of Tim’s meeting he is offering direct suggestions and getting agreement. Basically he is taking covert control of the conversation. Is it any wonder that Tim feels more in control?

If you wan to find out more about Persuasive Techniques then the Persuasion Skills Black Book is a great place to start.