Have you noticed that people with charm, presence and charisma get what they want more often than people that are rude, nasty and aggressive? I don’t think that is always true but what I can say from experience is the former get more consistent results and have better reputations, friends and referrals. This article contains some of the golden rules about being charming.
In December I delivered a course in London. One of my co-presenters, Marcus Oakey is an expert in building charisma. He has agreed to write us an article about this area since it is a key area of persuasion.
Heya Rintu’s Readers,
Super quick question:
Can you capture the attention of every person in a crowded room by the simple tone of your voice, stance and smile?
Today, I want to share a secret (or two!) about charm and show you how you can possess this almost legendary quality.
By the SHED LOAD.
The Cornerstone of Charm
Here’s two common (yet incorrect ideas) about learning to be charming:
MISTAKE #1: Charm is something only a few people are lucky enough to be born with and you weren’t.
MISTAKE #2: Although you can learn a few tips and tricks, you will never be NATURALLY charming.
Both are bullshit. You can learn to be naturally charming…even if you weren’t born that way. Most of us want to be a bit more charming. After all;
…Prince Charming makes the beautiful princesses SWOON
…George Clooney need only flash a quick smile to get anything he desires
…and you probably know a few people who everyone loves by the time they say hello!
I’m hardly George Clooney (sob!) but just about everyone who knows me considers me an incredibly charming guy. However, I wasn’t always this way. I’ve studied charming people, researched psychology and uncovered the key elements that can make anyone charming.
Turns out being charming is pretty STRAIGHTFORWARD!
-Charming people (subconsciously) live by TWO POWERFUL RULES that set them apart from the rest of the herd:
GOLDEN RULE ONE: PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE…
Charming people have excellent social skills and communicate excellently with all people. Have you ever overheard two good communicators conversing with each other?
The dialogue flows and they both share 50% of the conversation. In other words, both are actively listening AND asking questions. However, what happens when a charming person converses with a POOR communicator? You know, somebody who just talks about themselves…or not at all! (After all, it’s easy to switch off during those moments!)
Well, charming people have an attitude of actively ACCEPTING & FORGIVING people from the moment that they start interacting with them.
They achieve this by using compassion to pardon any little blunders that creep into the conversation. Take my friend Jenk; he oozes charm and has massive influence – not only in his social circle, but also with new friends.
A few months ago he wandered into one of the most exclusive nightclubs in London by himself…
…Two hours later, the club’s owner was buying him drinks, whilst a minor celebrity was trying to make plans with him for the following day.
Such is Jenk’s charming allure. Recently, I overheard him talking to a stranger at a party. Every time Jenk bought up a fascinating topic, his egocentric counterpart would change the subject and talk about himself. Rather than try and steer the conversation back onto his own interests, Jenk smiled, nodded and listened patiently. Jenk will happily FORGIVE anyone who interrupts him and accept the change in conversation direction. No matter how hard you look, you’ll never see any subtle signs of frustration in his body language (like rubbing the back of the neck).
When somebody attempts to steal Jenk’s thunder, he’ll gladly let them and support their anecdotes with approval. If they poke fun at Jenk, he’ll welcome it on board wholeheartedly – rather than look embarrassed or attempt to save face. Ironically, such passive humility gives Jenk a massive advantage in his ability to deal with others. People enjoy talking to him because HE NEVER JUDGES THEM, or shows signs that he is critical of them.
He does the opposite! Jenk’s counterparts naturally open up to him because they feel they can relax in his non-judgemental presence. His enthusiasm to maintain the flow of a conversation and listen to the other person’s opinion means that people invest more and more of their time talking to him. They quickly feel comfortable in his presence, and with their ego satisfied, let Jenk talk…
…And that’s when the trouble begins..!
Here’s the take home message for you:
Focus your attention on the beauty of the picture that the other person is trying to communicate for you, and forgive the shortcoming of their communication skills as they do.
GOLDEN RULE TWO: REWARD GENEROUSLY…
Charming people reward their colleagues constantly by giving them PRAISE. They do this by either saying nice things or by using the power of touch to show that their counterpart PLEASES them.
For example, a charming person may notice something appealing about another person’s clothing and pay a compliment about it…
…or they may show their appreciation to another person’s behaviour by giving them a reassuring pat on the arm.
My friend William is an actor who makes his living on the stage. He’s featured in many West End musicals and is constantly in the limelight. William is the embodiment of charm: his smile is constant and it’s (bloody) hard not to like the guy. Consequently, you’ll never get to meet him on his own: he is ‘Mr. Popular’ and surrounded by an entourage of great friends.
Such is William’s allure.
Now, the truth is that William is a bit of a DEVIL at times. He’ll purposely say improper things to people for the sheer delight of it. I recall one time he made a friend blush by whispering something very saucy in her ear. This kind of mischief often makes him the centre of attention; like a jester, William is celebrated for walking the invisible line of rudeness. (Imagine being able to tell your boss EXACTLY what the whole office thinks off him!) Most onlookers think that William gets away with it because “he has a twinkle in his eye”.
This is incorrect.
William’s cheeky behaviour is always pardoned because people feel curiously compelled to forgive him. This is because he has previously gone the extra mile to make them feel wonderful with positive flattery. Whenever he meets somebody he will smile and find something nice to say about them, even if it’s telling them that they have a wonderful name. (There is an art to giving the perfect complement and that is something we’ll cover in the future).
If you PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE and REWARD GENEROUSLY you will command the two cornerstones of charm. There are many more exercises and techniques that can be utilised to extend your charm but understanding these two rules are the foundations that underpin all of them. Folks, we’ve not even scratching the surface here…
…so be sure to check out my upcoming London course where I explore some powerfully charming techniques that will make you a CHARMING ROGUE!
Advanced Persuasion Patterns
On the Advanced Persuasion Patterns course we look at different ways of build rapport and charisma in face to face as well as group and written situations. These blend brilliantly with some of the ideas that Marcus brings to the table as well as working powerfully in their own right. Click through and find out more about this comprehensive internet based hypnotic persuasion skills course.