Conflict Resolution with NLP Techniques, Fruit and a Smile

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The last few articles we have been leading up to this point. In this article you will learn the mechanics to simply get people to respond and follow your lead. You will see my great friend Marcus Oakey demonstrate frame control with complete strangers armed only with a smile and a banana.

What Has Gone Before

This series of articles started out with my quest for a bacon roll and ended with me almost accidentally turning a shop assistant in to a walking hypnotic automaton.

In short I went in to a bakers to get a bacon roll. Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances both the shop assistant and I were thrown in to a trance. Recovering from the experience first I decided to see where I could take the girl. So I started to deepen the trance she was in and we eventually hit the depths of depravity with me stealing the bacon rolls.

In case you missed any of them here are the links to the previous articles:

Article One – Stealing Bacon Rolls – Where you discover how people accidentally take each other in to trance by interrupting their patterns

Article Two – Confusion over sausages – Where you discover how frames of reference can be set up to lead people in a direction

An Interlude – Turning Your Future Boss into a Mind Controlled Zombie – An interlude where you discover how I accidentally used the tools we have been discussing to be offered a job

Article Three – Turning Shop Assistants in to Hypnotic Automatons – Where you discover language is a filter and that you can guide people’s thoughts by grabbing their frames of reference

Pace and Lead – The New Rapport

My idea of rapport is about a heightened state of responsiveness. The whole NLP matching and mirroring thing has so many holes you could drive a tank through it without touching the sides. If you ever meet those people that are so full of NLPness that they have to spray their gunk out at the world here is a process that is worth taking them through:[box color=”grey-mute” type=”square” icon=”thumbs_up”]

  1. Let them start the conversation matching and mirroring you
  2. After a few moments start scratching parts of your body. You might start with your nose, then the top of your head and then the back of your arm and so on.
  3. Notice if they are still following you. They may do one of two things. They may directly scratch the same parts shortly after you do or they may just move without actually having to scratch. Either way you are ready for the next part.
  4. If they are scratching the same body parts then start scratching more personal and private parts. Adjusting genitalia is a great one but I might suggest that you should be careful in certain contexts. If they are just moving with you but not necessarily doing the same action just start becoming more rhythmic and complex with your movements.
  5. If they are still following you start leaning and swaying. The objective is to see if you can get them to lean far enough that they fall over. If the conversation is happening when you are stood up I find standing on one leg is always good fun. You might try to engineer it so that you are stood next to a wall and you have some stability whilst they are stood on one leg in the middle of the room.
  6. If they are still with you consider herding them. One of my favourite games is to see how many times I can get them to spin round on the spot. My personal record is seven revolutions before they realised what was happening.

Next time you have the opportunity watch a stand up spit in your face toe to toe argument. Just notice that the two participants match and mirror each other’s nonverbal behaviour. This is rapport even though at that point probably are not listening, respecting or responding to the other person’s IDEAS.

If you were in the middle of this and had enough emotional control you could lead either or both by just using your nonverbal behaviour. This is real rapport, it is about pacing and leading and my definition of rapport is that it is a process for increasing the responsiveness of your subject. Where the subject could be anyone including yourself.

A really neat trick I use for my interview skills course to pace and lead an interviewer is to smile and to shake hands. Of course there is a little more to this but the basics are just that. We are socialised to respond to smiles, and in a business context handshakes. If you do these things in a particular manner will lead the action and the other person is following your nonverbal commands. If you then start asking questions you have increased the responsiveness of your subject hugely.

Breaking the Click Whirr Response to Build Rapport

Now that we have discussed this straightforward way of building the responsiveness in your subject let us look at a slightly more sophisticated but very deep way of building rapport. Remember the neds that were threatening the NLP Practitioner? He broke the pattern by doing something unexpected. In the confusion that followed the neds started following his lead as they have no other frame of reference to bring them back to normality.

Let me state this again so you get the enormity of what we are discussing. By removing their frames the option people often take is just to follow the person that is showing some leadership. The end result is that you can use this to create a dramatic level of responsiveness to you.

This sounds like such a simple thing (the truth is that it is but you do need a little practice to bed this in) but the impact is huge. Here is a video of my good buddy Marcus Oakey explaining and demonstrating this very skill. Watch carefully because he adds in the secret sauces that I have deliberately not been telling you about so that I don’t steal his thunder.

Bringing in the Bacon

Remember we left this poor little shop assistant standing there contemplating sausages simply because we asked her to. She eventually replied to my query by confusedly letting me know that the sausages are made of pork.

I smiled, she smiled back, you know the impact of this. I then took it in to my head to see if I could deepen the trance. So I said to her in an authoritative voice, “I don’t eat pork. You will just have to Give Me A Bacon Roll” The embedded command is emphasised.

She went off to get the bacon roll. Let’s look at this from her perspective. She has had a conversation that makes no sense that she is still processing. She then is given a set of instructions that are parts of her normal routine. Nonverbally we are socialised to smile at each other…that she understands on an unconscious level. She then is given a verbal command, even if hidden in a bigger sentence. That command again is something she has been doing unconsciously for a while. All of a sudden she can feel like she is starting to regain control by following my instructions.

Let’s look at this as a process. We have started by throwing her in to a confused state and removing all her frames of reference. We then get her to pace our lead by giving her both verbal and nonverbal commands. But these commands are things that she routinely does. And in this way we can start to lead her step by step to where ever we want.

Incidentally, I said the “I don’t eat pork” line to see what would happen. I was pretty amazed with the results. She was obviously processing as she was getting my bacon roll. By the time she was giving me the roll you could see that she was trying to think something through. Obviously I don’t know for certain but I think she was trying to work out how or whether to tell me that bacon is the same as pork.

Keeping the Trance Going

Remember in the last article we discussed the idea that a lot of this is about timing. That you should keep things just off balance and as soon as you see them start to regain some semblance of normality you need to send them off again.

As she was returning I could see her processing. So I said something like, “Thank you. Give Me The Roll with nothing added.” The embedded command again is emphasised. Remember we have increased her responsiveness so she started to give me the roll even though I suspect her training says take the money first.

She handed me the roll but this is outside her normal process. She was starting to come out of her trance state partly because she had been processing for a while and partly because she is now doing something that was not quite her normal process. I needed something to plunge her back in to the trance. So I said, “thank you Keep The Change

She thanked me and I turned and started to leave the shop. I actually returned, made an excuse and paid for my roll in the end. The life of an evil master criminal is not really for me although an underground secret submarine base with hoards of minions does have a certain appeal.

The last embedded command is an interesting one. It obviously worked but I didn’t know what would happen. What is interesting about it is that there is a presupposition that I have already paid.

On Things to Come

The next article will take the idea of frame control to a whole new level. You will listen to the most creative way to deal with telemarketers, read about how I turned a room of police officers into tree huggers and watch an ex Klan member tell how one little frail black man defeated an entire Klu Klux Klan chapter. You might want to look out for that article because knowing what you now know you will automatically be able to deconstruct the patterns that are being used and perhaps start working through how you might use them yourself.

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